I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
