the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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