Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
