Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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