There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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