There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
