Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
