I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
