You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
