Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
