Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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