Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
