pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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