you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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