he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
That reminds me...we need to get swords
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
