The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
