Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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