I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
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