let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
