And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
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