I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
