the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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