Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
