look no pants
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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