So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
