if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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