Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
