Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
