Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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