OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
