Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
