I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
