No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
