I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
