He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
