My first STD was from a foam party
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
