i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
