I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
