I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
