i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize