If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
