Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
