He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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