nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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