when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
