Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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