We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
