How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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