yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
