He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
