If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
