my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
