If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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