WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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