my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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