I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
