I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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