It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
